Musings of an Iyer girl..

      Just in case you wish to feel a sense of belongingness at one of our homes, you may need to know that
  
     Our obsession with the Sun is Epic (After all, there MUST be a reason the ‘Earth’ revolves around it!!) – We wake up at sunrise, no matter how sleepy/ yawny we are post that (read no matter how late we hit the bed and/or the fact that we were woken up in the middle of the night - like I am right now!) – Waking up beyond 6:30 could be considered equivalent to blasphemy.. No wonder I've heard Geetha aunty cry foul saying “Ayiyo, this Kartik.. he usually wakes up only at 8’o clock !! This hostel life has spoilt him!”

-          It’s critical to clear the “Have you showered” litmus test every single morning – A typical morning (even on a weekend) may look like this.. Step 1: Wake up earllllyyyyyyy à Step 2: Drink tea/ coffee à Step 3: Have a shower à Step 4: Read newspaper/ Eat breakfast/ Go to work/ Go for a run/ Cook/ Go cycling/ Go shopping at Saravana’s @ T Nagar (even if it is 3 hours before store opening)/ Do the dishes & laundry... Basically, do whatever the heck you want to - For you have successfully cleared the litmus test for the day.. (P.S. In some households, while Step 1 remains constant, Step 2 could be followed by Step 3!! i.e. No tea/coffee until you shower!!)

-         It’s then little wonder when points 1 and 2 get deeply accentuated during Deepavali (Diwali).. Excerpts of a phone call at 5:30 am could sound like this.. “Hello Nita.. Deepawali Nalvaazhthagal.. Ganga Snaanam aacha?" (translates to Happy Diwali.. Have you had the customary oil bath yet!?) While a part of you is still gauging whether she's wishing you or checking on you, in your half-awake, half-groggy state, if you dare say that you are all clear, but it’s just that your 4 year-old refuses to be up (at this unearthly hour), there’s a 10-12-second silence on the other end! (P.S. You can only imagine what would happen if Kanchana aunty found out that you hadn’t had the customary "oil bath" when you were actually the 6th person she called that morning sitting pretty in her drawing room sipping her 2nd glass of kaapi!!!) which brings me to..

-          The invention of Coca Cola falls flat when compared to ‘Amma’s filter kaapi’ – Translates to “Nayana, you must learn to make authentic filter kaapi like your amma – idde enne, using Nescafe, instant coffee n all.. Green tea aa? What's that now.. all these new fashionable habits I tell you.. Listen to me.. Go to Suma Coffee concerns at Malleshwaram 8th cross.. tell him that you are Jaishree Natarajan's niece and that you want the same 20% Chicory blend that I have been buying ever since we moved to Bangalore 16 years ago.. You follow your mom's instructions over the phone and then you tell me if the coffee doesn't taste like heaven”
      P.S. Nayana, please don't tell the Suma Coffee guy that Jaishree aunty is your mom's friend, not your real chitti (aunt) - for it could impact the quality of coffee and/or the special attention that a loyal customer gets.. More importantly, please don't forget to add him to the list of people to thank, when you win the Oscars!! Or whatever award it is, that you wish to win and pose the picture from until eternity, to get even with your friend's constant trending posts on Instragram...)

-         The love for people in general (and our off-springs in specific) knows no bounds when they are “well educated” and that too in complex subjects – Little wonder that you don't gape when you overhear “You know that Sarala’s son is pursuing a PHD in Mesopotamian History right? He’s been at it for 5 years now.. She’s getting ready for his graduation in 2019! And look at this Ananya.. She wants to do only a BA it seems.. She was a topper in Padma Seshadri in 10th boards.. Could have easily topped her MS class in Artificial Intelligence also and here she’s planning on spending her time in studying Sociology, Psychology n all, it seems!”

Appa is the ultimate authority (Oh no, it’s neither the RBI governor, nor Modi.. For sure, not Donald Trump!!) – “This evening when Appa comes from office and if he’s not too tired.. (Paavam, he works so hard!) , let’s ask Appa what he thinks about demonetization and all these things this Modi says by calling us mitron mitron - BTW: I hope it's not some bad word in Hindi! He always seems to be using it once in every few sentences.. Just like you used to use some words when your friends used to called you on the home landline when you were in 7th-8th standard - and you thought I didn't understand anything! Ayyo, it was so difficult to get you to change that bad habit.. I am so glad Appa was concentrating on The Hindu and Kumudam and didn't hear you say those words.. Kanraavi".. 
FYI - What Agila aunty meant in the former part of the conversation (until you got distracted) is as follows “If Appa is not supportive of this demonitization thingy, let’s continue using the old 500 and 1000 rs notes till we & our best friends from Mylapore exhaust them all… What does that petrol bunk guy and the vegetable vendor think - He’s more intelligent than Appa va!? Look at Appa, how well-read and hard working he is…. After all he has worked in Central Excise department as Head Clerk for 29 years now!”

You are as classy as your* latest Kaanjeevaram Saree - Oft' heard conversations at engagement and wedding ceremonies “Did you notice Vanaja’s saree at Suresh’s son’s wedding? She got it specially designed by the weaver at Kanchipuram..Enne taste illiya”
Similarly.. "Balu and Sujaata must have a heart of Gold.. they are getting thier only son married to this girl.. Look there.. she's wearing a plain silk orange salwar kameez..  Paavam Sujaata.." 
And of course the infamous one.. “Idde enne Sachu, you’re wearing the same saree that you wore for Aarti’s nichyataartham.. You must go check out Nalli silks at Matunga.. They have some super collections for Pongal”..  In short, Aparna aunty wrote Sachu off for being caught in a saree she spotted her in, 2.5+ years back!! P.S. It's inconsequential that she remembers the saree cos it's a stunning one!! 
*If you belong to the gender that doesn't wear sarees, then please suffix the word 'your' with - mom’s/ sister’s/ wife’s/ daughter’s / grand daughter’s as the case may be - Please leave that girlfriend of yours out of this equation for now though!

Last but not the least, the love for Thaiyar shaadam (curd rice) knows no bounds.. You know you’ve spotted a thorough-bred Iyer when s/he argues (read protests) that a 7-course meal at a Michelin-starred restaurant must absolutely end with an invention, only 2nd to Columbus discovering America (or may be it’s the other way round)!

While all this knowledge & more can get you an entry into the household, remember NOT to:
1. Question the concept of patte-echchal, maddi and theethu - What do these words mean!!?? Ahem, even the most eloquent person won't be able to explain what these concepts mean to people who've not grown up listening about and experiencing them.. Let me attempt though.. Remember, the lessons in Pavlov's classical conditioning from your college days!?  Let's just say these are brilliant examples that his theory is absolutely true - For, generations have passed these customs down successfully!!
2. Glare or stare, worse still comment about someone that slurps and/or drinks the left-over rasam after all the rice on the plate is exhausted!
3. Say that the Idlis/ Dosas in A2B are as good as those made by the lady of the house and/or ask if she used I.D. company's batter .. Oh no no no.. This is the worst dare you've ever chosen to take..

That's all for now... Have fun and have a fabulous 2017!!

P.S. This article is to tickle some funny bones.. Certainly, not intended to offend anyone.. All characters and names are fictional except Sachu - and you know who you are!! :D
Am certain, Kartik is back to waking up before 6:30 (despite some habits he formed during his hostel days.. Ahem!!).. The last I heard, Ananya graduated with an MS in Robotics and Aritificial Intelligence from MIT and has recently landed a job offer from IBM Watson.. 
More importantly, Kanchana aunty did not come to my rescue when Dhruv woke up only at 6 am on the morning of Diwali!! It was Raj and I who put up with his tantrum/s (despite him waking up late, mind you) until the sweets & crackers amused him! :D

Comments

SweetSwet said…
Awesome Nita...Me smiling and can connect to each and every word said ;)...Happy to see u write..I am an ardent fan of ur write ups..Awaiting rheaism and dhruvism to be owned down too ;)
SweetSwet said…
Awesome Nita...Me smiling and can connect to each and every word said ;)...Happy to see u write..I am an ardent fan of ur write ups..Awaiting rheaism and dhruvism to be owned down too ;)
Anonymous said…
Nita,

Not an Iyer family but most of the South Indian families life starts with Coffee and the recipe
keeps varying depending on the taste buds.
My Mom had got married to my Dad when she was 19 and was never exposed to cooking.
She comes to the Husband family where she has to take care of 7 siblings of the Husband younger to him.Each one had their own style of KAAPI.




You have taken me to my childhood too by mentioning bathing on Deepavali.

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