Saturday, March 10, 2018

OF GUN LAWS, HAIRY BROAD-CHESTED MEN & INCLUSION RIDERS....

It’s no secret that that my only source of global breaking news as well as entertainment (read social life during the week) is Facebook! And I take the “me-time” with FB very seriously – for e.g. I will go through hoops & loops (read multiple friends’ status messages & numerous #hashtags) to ensure I know the entire story - What song was played during the Virushka wedding, what expletives Dhoni hurled at (you know who) and of course what the world & their grandmothers think of ‘how’ Sreedevi must’ve actually died (may her soul rest in peace)..

Yet my breakfast routine is also to flip through the newspaper just in case that upcoming HR head and/or entrepreneur is (finally) in the news for doing something right (in turn instilling hope for souls like yours truly & her life partner).. I also have the moral obligation to watch out for the org that pays me my salary – Hopefully, “we” are in the news for the right reasons! And of course, I flip through to see which online retailer had a bigger (than bigg) advertisement to beat their competitor only to make more losses today..

With the world having celebrated International Women’s Day on Thursday, I took extra time out yesterday to ensure I didn’t miss out what could soon become the “most-trending way” to celebrate Diversity & Inclusion! And that’s when I come across this gem of a news piece.. Lady X (who I am told is Rajasthan’s Women’s Commission chairperson) laments about how ‘hairy and broad-chested men’ who could “protect their sisters” have been replaced by “skinny men who wear low-waisted jeans”! I mean, Broad-chested, still a reasonable ask but hairy!!? Our only guess is perhaps she knows cases where hairy chests saved the incumbent from bullet/s – Could be a great point when talking about reduction of budget on & bullet proof vests for Politicians (unfortunately only male for now)! Or perhaps.. she’s just a big fan of Mr. Kapoor – the younger one, not the one who flew continents to “surprise his wife”)

She further goes on to squarely blame the mothers for not providing enough nutrition to these skinny boys - Clearly the local market & the super markets refuse to sell groceries to the men, just like the kitchen door automatically shuts itself on his face when he enters to make a scrumptious meal for his hairless, scrawny-chested off-spring! And finally she advises girls not to go all out in the name of freedom and create imbalance in the society! Sure ma’am, a few of my friends and I are taking a private jet to come meet you to learn more about how we should be! More importantly to take lessons from you on how to bring up our boys in a society where “sisters” still need “protection” (not to forget the role of hairy chests!) Wonder if the Tatas, Birlas or the Ambanis think this agenda is worth them sponsoring us a round ticket in their privately-owned jets – In our minds, we stand a 50% chance since there will be fewer “boney” people in the world if they sponsor us!!

At an international level though, none other than Mr.T gets, keeps & eats the cake (I mean ALL the time)! It must be that golden toilet bowl that is majorly accountable for inspirations like “20% of teachers within the school should keep a gun and be trained on using a gun!” Fantabulous idea, isn’t it and here’s why:
  • Teaching is supposed to be a noble profession – And clearly nobility will look classier with a gun in hand!!
  • When 12 & 14-year old emotionally unstable CHILDREN treathen to open fire, unlike what my distant cousin Mrs. V did during the Florida High School shooting last month - She realized that something was amiss when the 2nd alarm rang, she blacked out the classroom using papers on the upper part of the door, got all the kids to hide under the tables and even when the Police force came, she refused to open the classroom door & asked them to break it down if they must – and saved 16 lives – No Mrs. V, the next time this happens, you better sign up to be the lucky one with the gun to shoot him/ her/ them down – An eye for an eye you see – As a Math teacher, you should know - two negatives make one positive!!
  • Emotions that happen post shooting at someone – Get over it lady / you sissy man– Let’s buy you a drink! Over shots, we can talk about how ‘Post traumatic stress disorder’ is a passe… Don’t you know proactively signing up for counseling is the in-thing these days!!
Oh, Don’t you get it, your children’s lives don’t matter!! What matters is the amount of money the a dministration makes by making guns available to Tom, Dick & Harry at Wal-Marts & Costcos - Oh and we’re pretty INCLUSIVE about it – You just need to be 16 years of age (or whereabouts) – Once that criteria is met, we’re open to all Genders, Races, Religions, Sexual Orientation, Age, Marital status, Mental, Emotional & Psychological condition.. We don’t bother with your weight, height and other vital statistics either! Anorexic, bulimic, obese or on keto-diet, if you’re eligible to drive, you can keep a gun for self-protection (from WHOM and WHY we do not care)!!

Oh but for Christ’s sake, don’t do drugs! The administration doesn’t get as much money through legalizing that shit – moreover our country needs to be different than our southern counterparts!


My 2-cent solution to all this:
  • Sentence Lady X and the scribe who penned the article to a strict regimented training on ‘Unconscious Bias’
  • Hand over a gun to the trainer (I hear Mr. T cheering aloud) and like in the Tamil movie ‘Aruvi’ – When Lady X doesn’t get the concept and makes her 1st mistake during the post training assessment, the trainer shoots on the wall! The next mistake promises the bullet being dislodged in her body!
  • Let’s hope and pray that the scribe is a man with a “broad, hairy chest”, considers her as one of his “sisters” and “is able to save her”!


If he doesn’t, we make the round trip and celebrate the fall of such characters from our society! If the scribe meets the criteria & he succeeds to save her, she’s as right as Mr. T and my gals & I got to make that round trip (make that two) happen to get reverse-mentored!

Now, on a pleasant note, here’s wishing one and all “A Happy International Women’s Day” – Let’s work toward creating a world where children are free to go to school to read, learn, play and enjoy - Without their mothers saying a prayer under her lip every time the school bus leaves the stop.. Without having her heart in her mouth thinking something’s terribly wrong when her phone rings & it’s the school teacher (in many cases, fortunately she’s calling to discuss the color of the costume for the Annual parade day)!

Let’s be the change, and encourage and embrace Diversity in any and every form so we build and maintain an Inclusive society that’s fair and equitable! And all you fancy folks in Hollywood (and Bollywood too perhaps!?), don’t forget the 2 words – “Inclusion Rider” – WE’RE “WATCHING” YOU!! Oh ya, #MeToo 😊